Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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