laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I did not marry a roomba.
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