I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
