yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
