Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
