I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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