saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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