just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
