go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
