Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
