Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
