i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
