Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
