Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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