On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
