hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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