Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
