she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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