I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
