the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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