Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
