I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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