hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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