i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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