i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
