Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
