What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
