Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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