I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
