I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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