a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
