she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
