My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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