If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
