If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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