i don't plan on having that self control this summer
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
