The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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