I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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