did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
