The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Found the puke drawer
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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