My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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