Screwed.edu
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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