pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
