I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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