I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
