I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
