I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
