Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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