so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He passed out mid-signature
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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