The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
