Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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